


Breathe Me

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-16
Updated: 2008-03-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 03:01:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12401727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: It's like the sword of Damocles, nothing but a thin string between this and free fall. Nothing but a thread between safety and... [ted x andromeda]





	1. be my friend

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
**( breathe me )**

part one: be my friend

He's sixteen and buying an owl the first time he sees her. 

She is _beautiful_ \- ink-black hair and fair skin and piercing eyes, elegant hands. She's rather small, to be honest, dainty-like, with lovely long fingers and perfect nails and spotless robes and he has never felt more out of his league or out of breath. 

Her fingers are tapping a rhythm against her cheek and she almost glares around the cramped, smelly room. A slightly smaller blonde girl - also breathtakingly lovely - is standing next to her and staring intently at a snowy owl. 

" _Cissa_ ," the black-haired one drawls, soft voice curled into intense dislike, "would you _please_ take three more hours to choose a bird? I have all day, of course, to spend trapped in a claustrophobic room with a mass of screeching _animals_. I have no books to buy or potions ingredients to restock before school reconvenes in two days, so don't worry your head at all about time and choose a bird you _like._ " 

He thinks she is lovely and cold and untouchable. He can't take his eyes off of her. 

The blonde sighs petulantly. "I want a _good_ bird, Andy, not some pathetic thing any _Mudblood_ could use at the school or buy at a shop." 

Oh. 

Oh, no. The girls are _those_ types of witches, the sort that won't have anything to do with anyone they deem unworthy. He wants to shudder, to hate the beautiful dark woman for being a Pureblood bigot, but can't find it in him. Something about her strikes a chord, whether it's the pale blue of her eyes or the way she looks so helplessly tired of her sister. He likes her, irrationally thinks that she's not so bad. 

"Then buy the most expensive one," Andy hisses, "And get out of here before I spend the rest of my life reeking of _owl._ " 

"Father won't like that very much." Cissa doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. She prods a huge barn owl's wing and smirks as it fluffs up indignantly. 

"I assure you, Cissa, he's used to your spending habits by now. Just buy a bird. Sometime this century." 

"Hmmph." Cissa mutters, angry, "I should have brought dear Bella with me instead. You're in a positively _nasty_ mood this morning, Andy. Whatever has happened?" Something in the girl's voice says that she knows very well and enjoys it. 

" _Dear_ Bella wouldn't have let you spend thirty seconds in here, because _dear_ Bella doesn't understand why you can't simply use my owl. And neither do I, as a matter of fact. Calliope is _perfectly capable_ of sending your letters as well as mine. They go to the same place, anyway." 

Another bite in the tone, some other unsaid jab. Ted begins to wonder what sort of family this is. 

"I want an owl of my own, thank you. And a pretty one, not your ugly screech. Hmm. I might like a snowy owl. They're beautiful, don't you think?" 

"Oh, yes, lovely, and _so_ inconspicuous. I'm sure Father would love having Muggles accost him about white owls flying around their homes. He'd be positively _giddy_ upon our return for Christmas holidays." 

"You're completely unbearable today, you know that, Andy?" Cissa suddenly whirls on her sister. "Just because of all this Malfoy business, you've gotten into your head that the entire world is against you! Well, I happen to think it's a beautiful day and I want a beautiful owl and you're going to stay with me until I find one and you're... _you're going to like it, Andromeda Marie Black._ I don't care what you say or think." Satisfied, the blonde takes a deep breath and turns back to her owls. 

And all of a sudden, everything makes sense. So these are the Black Sisters he's heard so much about - the beautiful, arrogant, distant women of Slytherin House, every young wizard's wet dream, heart's desire, and worst fear, all rolled into one. So much as speaking to one of them is enough to garner praise from the whole of Hufflepuff House, and having them reply in more than two clipped words is unheard of. 

Andromeda gives her sister a glare that could freeze the sun, and snatches her purse. "Choose an owl. Now." Cissa (whose full name he's heard but doesn't remember) seems to realize that she's gone too far and points to a lovely red-brown barn owl, one of the most expensive in the store. "Good. Now, bring a seller and get the bird." 

Cissa hastily leaves. Ted gathers up all of his courage, and then some. What's the worst she can do? Turn that glare on him? Glares don't hurt, and even if his pride leaves the store in shambles, at least he can say he struck up a conversation with the infamous Andromeda Black. 

"Hello," He says jovially, holding out his hand to shake. She spares him one glance, one sweep of her eyes over his body, from his messy hair (why, oh why, didn't he comb it this morning?) to his Muggle-style clothes (old, torn jeans and a long-sleeve shirt, which he thinks makes him look quite sexy, actually), passes over his face and down to his shoes. She shows no emotion whatsoever, ignores his hand, and then there's a long, awkward pause before she finally speaks - 

"Hello." 

"Andromeda, right? I heard your sister say your name, and I've heard of you at school. I'm Ted Tonks, by the way, I don't think we've been in any classes." Yes, his pride is suffering greatly for this. She isn't even looking at him, but rather at her sister's back, bored. Desperate to grab her attention, desperate in a way he never thought he'd be (had hoped he'd never _have_ to be), he begins to say whatever comes to mind. "I'm a Hufflepuff, you know." 

"I know," She says slowly, and for a moment he thinks his heart stops. She still doesn't face him. "You're the one who's always in detention with Professor Slughorn." _She knows who he is!_ He feels completely pathetic for the way this makes his heart hammer against his chest. And then - "He hates you." 

Ted chokes, and then coughs. "I'm not surprised. I did almost kill him in first year. Wasn't my fault, honest! I didn't know that Asphodel Root did that." 

"How could you not?" 

Ted freezes. Her voice is rich and cultured and _disgusted_ and this cannot be happening, he cannot let the most beautiful woman in the entire world slip through his fingers. He coughs again. "I was an idiot." 

A ghost of a smile touches her lips. "I would say you still are." Cissa returns with the seller and they pick up the owl. Andromeda moves to leave. 

She doesn't say goodbye, and he hears her sister talking to her as they walk out the door - "Why were you talking to _that?_ He's either a Mudblood or a Muggle-lover, and besides..." 

He stops listening. 

He can at least say he struck up a conversation with the infamous Andromeda Black. Yes, that's the positive in this situation. He'll be a God among insects at school, especially because she did speak with him. Even if it was only to belittle him and humiliate him and crush his pride. His housemates don't have to know that part. 

(He still can't shake the feeling that he likes her, in spite of her chill.) 

\-- 

"You're joking." Ted leans back in the seat, basking in the glow. "You actually spoke to Andromeda Black. And she _responded?_ No. I don't believe it." 

Ted's best friend, Morgan, is gawping at him. Tucker and Wesley and Lucas won't speak to him. But, oh, this is _glorious._

"You'd better believe it. She even smiled at me." Kind of. More like a really tiny smirk, but who cares? "She even knew who I was. Granted," Won't do to make them too jealous - they might make him go back and speak to her a second time and this thought _terrifies_ him, "it was only because of my string of detentions with Slughorn. But the fact remains." 

"You're lying, Tonks," Lucas spits, "You didn't speak to her. I mean - " 

The door opens. All of them freeze. It's the younger Black sister, the blonde one. She stops, looks around, and then sighs. "I'm looking for my cousin. You may have seen him. His name is Sirius, and he's just starting this year." Ted glances at his friends, who are dumbstruck. 

_Great._

"I don't think I've seen him, sorry." Ted stutters, "If I do, I'll tell him you're looking for him. What does he look like?" 

"Dark hair. I'm sorry, I think I see him." With that, she makes a hasty retreat. Ted exhales sharply. 

" _Lovely_ personality, that one." 

Morgan laughs. "Yeah, well, the Blacks aren't really known for their charming attitudes. You know, now that I think I about it, I believe you about Andromeda talking to you." 

"You do?" 

"Yeah, she probably raked you over the coals and snickered while she was doing it. You just don't want the emasculation of admitting that you had your ass handed to you on a silver platter by the most sought-after girl in Hogwarts." 

Ted opens his mouth and closes it twice before he can respond. "She did not _rake me over the coals._ No, she wasn't friendly, but she wasn't horrible, either. Didn't call me any names, at least." 

"Not to your face." 

"Well, what can I say about that?" Ted grins, trying to relax. And then the door opens again, "Merlin, we're popular, aren't we?" It's a boy, young, light hair, pudgy. He looks around. 

"Um. Wrong compartment, I think. Have you seen Sirius or James or Remus? They told me to get them food, but I don't know my way around the train and I can't find the food and -" 

Wesley cuts him off, "Don't worry about it. There's a trolley that comes around. It shouldn't be too much longer. Just go back to your compartment and tell them that you were told to wait." 

The boy looks only a little grateful. "I thought this _was_ my compartment," he mumbles. 

"Oh," Ted says, "You're lost. Here, I'll help you." He stands, awkwardly maneuvering around his friends (Lucas is lounging on the floor, legs stretched out and arms splayed across one seat, Morgan is trying his damnedest to sit on the nonexistent windowsill, while Wesley is the only smart one who's actually sitting. Tucker has taken the part of the floor that Lucas hasn't swallowed, and is currently half-asleep, or would be if the door didn't keep hitting him in the head. And Ted? Was laying across the seat Lucas is leaning against, legs against the wall and one arm on the floor, engaged in a rather boring card game.) 

(Wesley had been winning, by a long shot.) 

The boy looks much happier. "You will? Oh, thanks. By the way, I'm Peter!" 

"Ted Tonks," He says, with a little bow. "First year, I presume?" Peter nods and Ted winks at him. "It'll get easier. Just don't let the troll eat you." Morgan snickers. 

"Troll?" 

"You don't know about that? Oh, yeah, there's a troll that lives on the grounds. Nasty little bugger, has a taste for first years. He usually gets in on the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. If you've learned your lessons and done your homework, then you pass and keep your head attached to your body. If you slacked off, well..." 

Just his little way of making sure the first years do their work, of course. And the look of absolute horror on the kid's face is just an added bonus. 

-:-:-:-:- 

**(A/N: This is a (hopefully) seven-part fic that was supposed to be a oneshot, but then got out of control and is at twelve thousand words and counting. I decided to split it into roughly 2000-word chunks. Title and chapter titles come from the song "Breathe Me" by Sia, because I am dreadfully unoriginal. Review if you like.)**


	2. hold me

  
**( breathe me )**

part two  
hold me  


Peter is friendly, but not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, nor is he the most interesting. Ted watches the boy's face move from abject terror to fascination (when he shows him a Chocolate Frog card - boy must be Muggle-born) and then to a sort of hunger when they find the right compartment and two black-haired boys are already deeply entertained by something they've discovered in the overhead compartment, a sandy-haired boy is reading in the corner, and a red-haired girl stares out the window.

Only the girl seems to notice when they walk in - "There you are, Peter! I'd wondered if the food person ate you. Did you find anything?" She glances sideways at the other boys. The book-reader looks up and smiles wanly but the others continue ignoring them, whispering to each other. Peter seems totally shocked that he's being spoken to by a real girl (Ted is reminded forcefully and painfully of two days before, in the Owl shop, talking to Andromeda Black), so Ted answers.

"You can't buy food yet, the trolley isn't ready. In about... thirty minutes or so, a witch will come by with a food trolley and you can buy from her. Besides, they'll feed you at the school."

The girl flushes slightly, "I didn't think they wouldn't. It's just, I woke up late this morning and didn't have time for breakfast. Lily," She says, holding out her hand, "Lily Evans. I'm a first year."

Ted grins. He loves it when girls blush at him. And she's cute, even if she's six years younger. "I couldn't tell. Ted Tonks, sixth year." He shakes her hand firmly, and considers sweeping her off her feet, just for fun, but decides not to. After all, she is six years younger than him. "Who are your friends?"

"They're not really my friends. I don't know them very well - "

And then one of the dark-haired boys cuts in. The moment he turns around, Ted sees the resemblance between him and Andromeda Black - this must be the cousin that blonde was looking for. "Oh, come on, Lils, we're gonna be the best friends you've ever had," The redhead looks affronted, but the boy doesn't react. "I can see it now, one day, you wait. You'll be our partner-in-crime, I'll bet."

She doesn't appear to have any idea how to react, so Ted saves her. "Sirius Black, I presume?" The boy jumps, surprised that some random sixth-year knows who he is.

"Uh... Yeah, how do you know that?"

"Your cousin was looking for you earlier. Very... friendly, you know. Sat and talked with us for hours, told us your whole life story."

Sirius looks totally panicked and caught off-guard. "Really? I... are you serious?"

"Not in the slightest. Your cousin is a monumental bitch. I offered to send you her way if I found you and she wouldn't even speak to me for longer than to say you had dark hair and she thought she saw you."

He relaxes. "You talked to Narcissa, then. Andromeda would have accepted the help."

"Really? I didn't get that impression when I met her a few days ago."

Sirius looks confused, "No, Andromeda's nice, and she likes meeting new people. She took me to Diagon Alley yesterday, and we sat and talked to Florean for almost an hour. Andy's a lot of fun. Narcissa's the mean one."

Now Ted is the one caught off-guard. "Are we talking about the same person? Andromeda Black has a reputation of being the coldest girl in Hogwarts. Everyone's afraid of her because she can cut anyone down from top of the world to zero in under three syllables."

Sirius tells him that he has no idea what he's talking about. Maybe she acts different around her family members? But that doesn't make sense, she ripped her sister to shreds in the owl store. Ted tells Sirius as much, and then he looks thoughtful.

"Wait, how many days ago?" Two, Ted tells him, two days (and one hour and fifteen minutes, but he doesn't say that part aloud). Sirius's face clears. "Well, that explains it. Andy and my aunt got into a huge fight that morning. She was probably in a bad mood, that's all."

"A fight? What about?" The word "stalker" suddenly enters Ted's mind, and he ignores it. Sirius shifts a little.

"I dunno. Family stuff. It's all boring, anyway. You wanna see what we found in the overhead rack?"

Lily, behind Sirius, shakes her head soundly. The other boy is still standing on the seat, oblivious, reaching into the rack. The book-reader glances at him for long enough to shrug, and Peter still looks frightened. "Sorry, but I've got to get back to my own compartment. Been nice talking to you. Tell your cousin I said hi."

"Sure thing!"

As he leaves, Lily shouts out, "It was nice meeting you, Ted!"

Heh.

\--

Weird, he thinks, later that night. Strange that Sirius went on about how friendly and nice Andromeda was, yet she all-but called him an idiot.

Even weirder, he thinks, even later that night, that he can't stop thinking about the way her lips curved into that disdainful half-smirk.

He can't get her out of his head, and it's starting to really grate on his nerves. She was beautiful, sure, but completely elitist and cruel and no matter what her cousin said, she was - and undoubtedly still is - a total bitch. He shrugs it off.

It takes a few near-sleepless nights, but he forgets about her before the first week of school is over (and thank the stars, too, because his friends were beginning to notice and would surely start teasing him about falling in love with Andromeda Black like a complete moron. Because it would be totally physical, and maybe based a little bit off that tired took he caught in her eyes when she thought he wasn't there, and you can't fall in love with a perception of some really pretty girl, right?)

(Right?)

He shakes her out of his mind, and spends three weeks blissfully unaware of her presence. And then he runs into her in the library. Literally.

He's carrying a huge stack of books (he and all of his friends have been frantically studying for the second Transfiguration test - which is looking to be an absolute horror, turning tea kettles into a certain animal McGonagall assigns you - and he's offered to take all the books they've hoarded and deemed useless back to the shelves. Partly because he's nice and partly because it makes him look awfully good and intellectual in the eyes of that really sexy brunette in the corner.) He isn't really watching where he's going because, one, the books have completely obscured his forward vision, and two, his peripheral is occupied with that brunette and that come-hither look she's sending him.

Naturally, he feels like a fool the moment he feels the force and hears the cry of pain and exclamation and then there are books all over the floor, three particularly heavy ones on his foot and digging into his ankle like all the fires of Hades, and he's on the ground, nursing a severely wounded backside and crushed pride. "Ugh," he mumbles, "What did I..." Andromeda Black is opposite him, frantically pulling books off her foot, face white with pain. "Oh, _shit_ ," slips out of his mouth before he can stop it, and then he tries to help her, narrowly avoiding shoving his crotch into the corner of a huge tome on Animal Magnetism (Lucas is not the smartest person in the world).

"Get off, go away, stop trying to help me," she shrieks, and he jumps back. She frees her foot, and even from here, he can see that it's swelling and twisted oddly. She inhales sharply and clutches her ankle, then turns to him, fire burning in her eyes. "What were you doing? Why weren't you looking where you were going?"

He's totally frozen for three seconds, horrified, waiting for the mocking laughter of all the gods and several friends (he thinks he can hear the snickers already), and then the anger kicks in.

Ted has always had a rather bad temper, especially when caught off-guard or embarrassed.

"Why wasn't I looking where I was going? Do you not see these books? The last time I checked, they aren't invisible. I can't see through solid paper and huge transfiguration texts. When you learn how, please tell me."

She looks affronted, and Ted mentally curses. She stares at him for a moment, and then her head tilts to the right, fire still glinting in her face. The library, usually quiet, is now totally silent. He can feel the eyes of every person here, the bated breath, waiting for the axe to fall, as it surely will.

And then it does. "Pardon me, _Tonks_ ," she begins softly, and it takes all of his willpower not to wince and supplicate himself at her feet. "But I was under the impression that if you had simply stopped staring at the Ravenclaw on the other side of the room and _looked slightly to the left_ , you would have seen me. But if that's too much for your _simple_ mind to handle, then I am truly sorry for knocking your books over."

Ouch. But it's not as bad as he had expected, not really. And then she continues, loud enough for the whole room to hear, and he thinks he's going to die.

"Or perhaps you were simply fascinated by your tomes on," she glances at the pile surrounding them, and lights upon another one of Lucas's choices, on the anatomy of female hedgehogs, and Ted curses under his breath, " _woman hedgehogs_. Looking for a potential wife, are we? Well, don't let me get in your way. I'm sure you can find something of value among the pages. Watch out for prickles in the bedsheets."

He can't take this laying down. He _can't_. He bites the inside of his cheek and searches for some miraculous answer, some really witty reply.

All that comes out is, "I do not want to sleep with hedgehogs."

From behind him, Morgan snorts loudly and barely manages to turn it into a violent coughing fit - Ted makes a mental note to kill him. Andromeda's expression doesn't change. She continues to make perfect (and incredibly intimidating) eye contact, and then shouts, "And my ankle hurts _very badly_ right now, but no, don't anyone bother to help me to the infirmary."

Three boys leap forward and help her to her feet, glaring at Ted and helping her limp out of the library. Ted sits there, surrounded by books, foot throbbing and humiliated, trying to process the fact that she not only called him out on the way he was checking out that brunette in the corner, but then accused him of bestiality and called him an idiot, all in the space of under two minutes.

Andromeda: 5 points (one added for being able to cut him down while in serious pain, and one added as an afterthought, because of the owl store incident)

Ted: -3,564 points (for sheer idiocy, lack of foresight, and uncontrollable tongue)

State of Ted's dignity: Two or three kicked-around, tortured, dirty shreds.

"Yeah, she knows you, all right." Morgan says, laughing uncontrollably. He can hear Lucas's hysterical, barely-controlled shrieks from the table, where he's sitting with his head on his arms.

"Shut the hell up and help me out of this. I think I broke my foot."

\--

The infirmary matron (an ancient, half-deaf woman named Celia Renard, who posses an absolute loathing for all things young, child-shaped, and sickly, with a tangled mass of thin gray hair that sticks out about three inches from her head and has a bald spot the size of Jupiter on the back of her head and the most bat-shit eyes Ted thinks he's ever seen) forces him to stay the night, because he did one heck of a number on his foot and there's no sense in trying to walk back to his dorms without being sure he won't re-break it.

Exactly two hours and forty minutes into his prison sentence (as all infirmary stays are called), he thinks he's going to throw himself from the window if someone else doesn't get sick or hurt themselves right this very instant.

He's totally alone in the Infirmary, besides Madam Renard, playing her little "oozing presence" game, which mostly entails glaring at any living creature from a shadowy corner, and Andromeda Black, also forced to stay the night.

He thinks he'd rather be trapped in close quarters with a mass of diseased flobberworms who are hell-bent on snogging him.

Andromeda is sitting idly in her bed, ignoring the world around her, reading a book. Ted, whose friends do not love him and apparently have no concept of the fact that places other than the Kitchen or Common Room exist, have not visited or brought him anything to do while sitting in the cold bed with over-starched sheets and rather sharp smell of what might be ammonia.

After three and half hours of staring at the ceiling and counting the cracks in the stone (eighteen going left to right, twenty-four up and down, and seven diagonal), he loses his patience.

"Look, Andromeda," She doesn't move at all or give any recognition that there's someone else in the room. "I'm sorry about the books, okay? It was an accident."

Silence.

"I just got mad when you yelled at me, but I can kind of see why, because you were hurt. I should have been nicer."

No reply.

"Can we be friends?"

Nothing.

"Please answer me."

...

"Oh, for the love of Merlin. At least tell me you hate my horrible guts and wish I would go die."

"I hate your horrible guts and wish you would go die."

This response takes him completely off-guard (he's noticed that she does this to him a lot) and he stares blankly at her for several long, awkward seconds. Nonplussed, she turns a page in her book and continues reading.

"I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

For a moment, she doesn't say anything. And then, in one sudden move, she snaps her book shut and turns to him. "Sorry is meaningless, _Tonks_ ," she spits, "I don't appreciate anyone speaking to me in the tone you used, especially not after causing me pain, and especially not from a Hufflepuff Mudblood who thinks torturing my Head of House is an enjoyable activity." He recoils, horrified and... hurt, actually. Like a physical pain somewhere in his chest. "And to answer your question, no, we cannot be _friends._ "

There's a long, drawn out silence in which she picks her book up and continues reading. Finally, he regains the power of speech, but not control.

"Pardon me for being alive, then. Your cousin told me you were the nice one, and I had hoped to give you a second chance after our meeting in the owl store. But I don't like being spoken to that way any more than you do, regardless of whose blood runs in my veins or where I come from." She doesn't move, doesn't reply, just stares at the same spot on the page, and he can't stop himself. "You were born into money, obviously, and blood purity, and you think that somehow makes you better than the rest of us. I can earn money myself, thank you, and I don't have to rely on my _father's_ work and I won't have to rely on my spouse in the future because I have personal _pride._

"As for purity of blood, I do believe that I had eight OWLs, three of which were Outstanding, which is more than enough to get me a well-paying, good job anywhere I choose to go. It would appear that my heritage has nothing to do with my performance at this school. I'm sorry you don't care about other people and I'm sorry I ran into you and I'm sorry I thought to believe your cousin and give you the benefit of the doubt. He was wrong, I guess. You're just as bad as the rest of those Slytherin idiots who think they rule the universe. And I can't, for the life of me, think of why I thought you'd be different."

With that, he wrenches the sheets over his head and turns his back to her. She doesn't say anything in response.

He just cut down the Queen of Belittlement herself. He ought to feel really accomplished and proud of himself.

All he feels is sick.

\--

He wakes up the next morning, alone, with a note on the bedside table on a scrap of parchment, with several lines scratched out and unreadable before finally, at the bottom -  
 _  
I've acted horribly toward you, and for that, I am sorry. I could make excuses but I don't believe any of them are really good enough or could fully explain the situation, especially to someone who knows little about the politics of a Pureblood dynasty. But I can offer apologies and beg forgiveness.  
_  
And then, written as an afterthought and scratched out but still mostly readable - _Count yourself lucky for your heritage, Ted. I wish everyday that I_

But the rest is opaque, black ink.


	3. wrap me up

  
**( breathe me )**

part three  
wrap me up

His friends tell him he's acting a little strange, but chalk it up to the massive embarrassment he suffered yesterday. He doesn't tell them about the note or about the conversation the night before, because what good would it do? And besides, he thinks that she let too much be said and wouldn't want anyone to know what exactly happened. 

The words at the end, the ones she never meant to say, they haunt him. It's the same thing as that flicker of tiredness he remembers seeing in her eyes the first time he saw her, like her wall has a crack in it, a tiny sliver he can only just see through, just enough to spy a glimpse of what's behind it, something weaker than she'd like to admit, something... scared, maybe? Lonely? Unhappy? 

He wants to reach out to her, wants to get her off the pedestal the boys at school put her on, and, if not be the hero he hopes she's looking for, then at least a friend. At least he can be somewhere she can go when that weakness threatens to take over, right? 

He has all these grand ideas about being her friend, about saving her from her family, about touching her face and fixing those cracks and watching her smile. He's full of plans, what to say, how to make her see that she can rely on him if she needs to. 

But he can't seem to find her anywhere. He doesn't have any classes with her, except maybe Astronomy, but in that class everyone's stuck up on the windiest tower in the school in the middle of the night, and it's not the best time for discussion. He spots her in the Great Hall at dinner, but she's with her sister and even he's not stupid enough to talk to her while Narcissa is around. 

Finally, he passes her in the hallway, but she pretends she doesn't see him, and he lets her simply leave. 

(Maybe, he thinks suddenly, the nicest thing he can do for her is let her believe he knows nothing of what's behind the wall. Maybe the best thing to do is let her think her secret is still hers and hers alone.) 

\-- 

After a few days, the hullabaloo over Ted Tonks barreling over Andromeda Black in the Library and then having the gall to snap at her dies down and, while the Ravenclaw girl completely ignores him every time he passes her, most people let it slide off, mostly because nobody really cares about Ted Tonks except when he makes Slughorn throw a cauldron at him. 

(Which didn't _actually_ happen, strictly speaking. What Slughorn threw at him was a vial of his own pathetic potion attempt, after he spent the entire period loudly proclaiming the idiocy of making a potion to fix the oh-so-terrible problem of sleeping limbs. Ted still thinks it's stupid, because if you just wait five minutes, it goes away. No need for a potion. So, he spent the whole period complaining and not actually doing his work, threw a bunch of ingredients into the cauldron in the last ten minutes, and called it a potion. Slughorn threw it at him in retaliation for being such a monumental idiot, but Ted knows he had at least half the class on his side.) 

(When he told Andromeda that he made eight OWLs, he wasn't lying. But he took nine tests, and could safely boast the worst Potions score Hogwarts had ever yet achieved. The tester said he was so awful, there should be a rank below even Dreadful, and said he would assign this potion the then-humorous rank of "Troll," because even one of those could have made a better one. Slughorn wasn't amused. Neither was Ted's father, two months later, when Ted had to explain to him what the big "T" meant.) 

(He was half-tempted to sign up for Potions again, just for the hell of it. Professor Sprout advised him against it.) 

But at any rate, things calm down all the way into October, and then Halloween rolls around and little Sirius Black lands him in the Infirmary for a week and a half. 

Ted wakes up the day after Halloween, eyebrows singed, chest bandaged tight, head aching like someone is shoving spikes through his eyes, to see Andromeda standing over his bed, fingers digging into her young cousin's shoulder. "Good to see your awake. I do hope you feel all right?" He mumbles something incoherent, trying to process the information that he is, in fact, awake, and he is, in fact, lying in a bed. Andromeda nods, and then looks to Sirius. "I believe you have something to say, _don't you,_ Sirius?" He winces as she digs her fingernails into his flesh. 

"I'm sorry for blowing you up with three taped-together dungbombs. I didn't mean to do it." 

"Oh, so that's what happened!" He tries to say, but what comes out is something like, "Brudjughaoenoberug!" 

_Slick, Tonks,_ he thinks, somewhere back in his mind where thinking isn't totally incomprehensible. Andromeda smiles tightly. "And what has this taught you, Sirius?" 

"To aim at Narcissa next ti- OUCH!" He tries, and fails, to wriggle out of Andromeda's iron grip. "What I meant to say was, to not throw dangerous explosives around the Great Hall." 

"And?" 

"And I'm going to pay you for the damage I did to your clothes, bag, and books." 

_"And?"_

He sighs hugely. "I'm going to catch hell from my mother." 

Ted laughs, as well as he can with bandages all over his chest and some sort of really amazing drug coursing through his system. "It's fine," he wants to say, "I didn't need those lungs that much anyway." 

("Dhatids, Y aieht ehte fieast he aoleth.") 

(He thinks he's speaking in tongues. This is both frustrating and completely awesome.) 

(Maybe he can talk to animals now.) 

This is his last clear thought of the situation, before he wakes up again a week later, this time to Morgan's face. "Man, you _reek._ " 

"And a good morning to you, too!" He's a little put-out to find that his tongue works perfectly normal now. "Why can I not move my legs?" 

"Because you've been on the strongest sleep potions known to the Wizarding World. I _told_ you it was a bad idea to piss Slughorn off. You just _know_ he made the potion." Morgan sits down on the next bed and stretches his own legs out. "How do you feel?" 

"Like I've been stomped on repeatedly by angry dwarves. Did Andromeda Black come to see me while I was sleeping?" 

"Yeah, she made her cousin apologize to you. You remember that?" 

"Vaguely. I recall speaking in a strange language." 

"Funny, because I recall you spitting all over me because your mouth didn't work right. Hope you didn't spit on Andromeda Black. That would _suck._ " 

_Meh_ , Ted thinks, _I've done worse._ "Where are all the other guys? Do you not love me?" 

"No, we love you fine. It's Madam Renard. She chased us all out of here. I managed to sneak back in. If anyone asks, I have a fractured pelvis." Morgan stops suddenly, and shudders. "You have no idea how hard it is to convince a creepy old lady that she doesn't need to check your pelvis for broken bones. You want chocolate?" 

"No. I want a huge meal from the most unhealthy place I can find." 

Morgan places a hand on his chin thoughtfully. "Okay." 

\-- 

Madam Renard puts her retirement notice into the Headmaster the next morning, after waking up at 2 AM to find five severely drunken Hufflepuffs, steadily working their way through all manner of Muggle, Magical, Illegal, Not-Entirely-Food-Looking, or Downright Disgustingly Unhealthy foods, bought, stolen, or smuggled in from four Hogsmeade restaurants and the Kitchens. 

It's one of the best nights of Ted's life, because _damn_ , Ogden's makes some good Firewhiskey. If you've never gotten hopelessly smashed while suffering from the effects of the strongest sleep potions your body can physically handle without descending into coma, Ted thinks, you haven't really lived. 

Or maybe he's just an idiot. 


	4. and fold me

**(breathe me )**

part four:   
and fold me

Legend spreads like wildfire across the school, until everyone knows that Ted Tonks and all his friends got completely hammered and tormented Madam Renard out for good. Half the school thanks him, several purists scold him for underage drinking, and Sirius Black accosts him in the Library and tells him that he's discovered his new idol.

Andromeda, who has taken to watching Sirius like a hawk (Ted doesn't blame her), rolls her eyes and tells Sirius to just do his homework, because she'd like to get back to her own common room before midnight. Ted just grins and says, "Oh, come on. What's one missed homework assignment?" Andromeda sends him a freezing glare, but Sirius looks confused.

"What about the troll you told Peter about?" Ted spends several minutes laughing hysterically while Andromeda asks Sirius what he's talking about, and Sirius - smarter than he looks - picks it up quickly. "So there's no troll, I get it. Okay. Now, why doesn't someone bring one in?"

Ted decides that he likes Sirius considerably more than the rest of his family.

He also notices that Andromeda's weakness from before, from the letter he still has hidden in his bedside table, doesn't appear around Sirius, even though she lets her guard down. This is why Sirius always thought she was the good one - she is. And he gets the distinct impression that Andy, despite the way she scolds him and tries to keep him in line, has a huge soft spot for the little first year. He's beginning to understand her, and makes a point to talk to Sirius more often.

Because he wants to know more about the boy and impart his knowledge of the school and of pranks, of course. Not because his cousin hovers around him.

(This argument falls flat, as he knew it would, when, with time, Andromeda slacks off and lets Sirius be and then, suddenly, Ted isn't spending as much time around the first-year Gryffindors. Sirius smirks at him when he passes him in the hallway, and a creeping suspicion begins to take over. He just knows the boy is planning something.)

Three days after spotting Sirius's Cheshire Cat impression, Ted figures out what he's planning when he finds himself, through clever manipulation by Sirius's friends and blatant idiocy on his own part, locked on the roof of the Astronomy tower with Andromeda. Ignoring the fact that he's fantasized about this sort of event happening, it's rather cold out and there's only one cloak among the two of them (hers), and she's completely infuriated. Which does diminish the joy of this situation - if she's pissed off that she's stuck with him, she can't profess her undying love for him.

(Even his subconscious snorts at this, but he ignores the truth in favor of blind, idiotic, goofy, hope. After all, she can't read his mind.)

(This, by the way, is a _very_ good thing.)

"I am going to kill him," Andromeda hisses, tugging uselessly at the door.

Ted, however, lounges lazily against the ramparts. "Oh, well, right? Not like we can do anything about it. May as well wait until the next class comes, or one of our friends chooses not to be sadistic assholes and leave us to freeze."

She ignores him, rummaging through her pockets. "Where is my wand?"

"If your cousin is as devious as I've become completely convinced he is, it's in his pocket or on his bed, probably right next to mine."

"You could at least check."

"Why? I already know he's not stupid enough to leave a wand among us."

And then she gives an exasperated sigh, pulls him up by the shirt - this is usually followed by a passionate kiss in his dreams, but alas! It's not to be - and sticks her hand into his pocket herself, searching for a wand. He could make a thousand wisecracks right now, but she has very long fingernails and a presumably very powerful kick and he's not keen to test her patience anymore than he already has. She may very well kill him, or maim him to the point that there will never be any little Ted Tonkses running around.

She doesn't find anything, and angrily pushes him back down, then goes back to attempting to wrench the door open. Safely out of range, he can no longer contain his tongue.

"Was I just molested?"

She sends him her best icy glare, which shuts him up quickly. Though not as terrifying or as cruel as she used to be, she still has one hell of a glare. "Sorry," he mutters, trying to grin, "Couldn't resist." Defeated, Andromeda finally slumps against the door. "Why so depressed? No, this isn't my first choice of places to be tonight, but at least you've got a cloak. And I'm not that bad. I mean, you could be stuck here with Lucius Malfoy or something  
horrible like that."

" _Don't_ ," Andromeda hisses through clenched teeth, "mention that name in my presence ever again."

Ted raises both eyebrows, feeling like he's shrunk to exactly three centimeters tall. "I - Uh, I just... Okay." Suddenly, he's as desperate to get off this roof as she is.

She sighs, and there's a very long silence, at least ten minutes. He glances around aimlessly, and then up. It's not a pretty night to be stuck outside. It's cloudy and threatening snow. He's contemplating this, and how many fingers he's going to leave here without, when she finally speaks, very quiet - "I'm going to marry him, you know."

For a moment, he doesn't even register what he's heard, only that his heart just plummeted from his chest to the ground below the tower. He whirls around to face her, but she's looking up at the clouds the way he was a moment ago, and won't meet his eyes. "But," he splutters, "but, I mean, it's just, I don't... Why?"

"Mother says it's a proper marriage for a girl of my status. Any less would be an insult to the Black family." She's barely whispering, speaking like there's something very large caught in her throat. "She has it all arranged and everything. He's graduating this year, and it's all planned out for the summer after next, immediately after I finish school. It's going to be in July, and it's going to take place in the Cathedral at Notre Dame in Paris and the flowers will be white and yellow, because that's the Malfoy family color."

There's a long, drawn-out silence while he tries, and fails, to accept this, before she sighs heavily and looks down, hair obscuring her face. "I hate yellow. I think blue is much prettier. And I don't like Paris. I always wanted to have a spring wedding," Here her voice begins to break a little, "And I think that Lucius Malfoy is the most awful human being ever to walk the face of this Earth."

Ted doesn't know what to say. He isn't sure she wants a response. For a moment, there's another awkward quiet, and then she laughs. "But it isn't up to me, you know?" She looks up at him with this desperate laugh on her face and in her eyes, this horrible weakness he remembers glimpsing, like she's trapped and lost and scared and hasn't the faintest idea how to save herself from this.

And all of a sudden, it makes sense. She was in a bad mood the first time he met her - she'd just been told of her engagement. Sirius said she'd gotten into a fight with her mother, and Narcissa had mentioned "this Malfoy business." And then Sirius, the rebel, wanting to help his favorite cousin, thus tried to set him up with her, hoping to get her out of a loveless, forced marriage to a man she hates.

"My opinion doesn't matter and I don't know what's good for me. That's what they tell me. But..."

"It's your life," Ted says suddenly, surprising even himself. She looks up. "It's your choice to make. I know it doesn't seem like it, but... You could always move away. Cut off ties." She makes eye contact, some kind of animal fear reflected in her face.

"They're my _family._ " She whispers. "This is my mother, and my father. They want what's best for me. They love me."

"Do they, now?"

He didn't mean to say that. Immediately, he wishes he could take the words back, but they're out there. For a split second, a look of total vulnerability crosses her face, but then she masks it with indignation. "Of course they _love_ me. They're my _parents_. They have to."

It's that look on her face that she didn't mask in time that he latches onto - Andromeda doesn't believe that her parents love her, and, from what he's heard of them, he doesn't believe it either. This seems wrong to him, so awful, that a parent could see his own child as a means to make connections or money. Ted silently vows that, if he ever comes across Whatever-His-Name-Is Black, he'll punch him in the face and kick him in the groin for begin such a complete asshole. If he could, he'd curse the man into oblivion right now, and then hunt down his wife.

Neither of them speak for a long moment; the truth hangs in the air, a sword of Damocles, and neither of them quite want to break the string. Andromeda has fallen into herself again, quiet, poised, totally emotionless mask covering the features already shadowed by the night.

It happens before he can stop himself, the words bubble out the way they always seem to, and for what feels like the tenth time tonight, he finds himself cursing his tongue - "I could help you."

"Really?" She says, in a tone that clearly says, "No, you most certainly cannot, and any plausible solution you suggest will fail."

He goes on in spite of this. "Yeah, I could. I don't know how, but, I mean... God, if all else fails, I can buy you a Muggle flat and give you a place to hide."

She smiles wanly, and suddenly looks much older - and much tireder - than she is. "I don't think there's anywhere I can hide, but thank you." She sounds sincere when she says it, more than any thank you he's ever received, but it's meaningless because he can't actually help her. This is frustrating.

(He's beginning to wonder what's gotten into him, and why he's so bothered about this, why he's so hell-bent on saving her.)

It's awkward again - this night seems full of long, awkward pauses - and he looks away, deflating. "Well," he begins, hesitantly, "if there's anything you need, ever, I'm here, okay? I..."

She smiles again, more this time, and nods slowly. "I'll remember that."

\--

He doesn't come into prolonged contact with her again for the rest of the school year, and finds that this bothers him much more than it should. He hates Lucius Malfoy more than ever, wants to wipe that arrogant smirk off his disgusting face. Morgan and Lucas and Tucker and Wesley don't understand what Malfoy did to piss him off so badly, and he refuses to explain it to them. He refuses to explain it to himself.

It isn't until the last day of term before summer holidays that he catches up with her by the lake, alone. He hands her a card, really just a scrap of parchment with an address scribbled on it.

"What is this?" She asks slowly.

"If you want to contact me. I don't know about your owl, but mine's a bloody idiot, and I can't just tell it to go find someone. I have to actually give it a place to go. So, if you ever want to, ah, I dunno," He scratches the back of his head, universal symbol of nervousness, and stumbles through the rest, "I mean, what you told me about your family and all, if you want someone to talk to, you can just send me an owl and I'll... listen, okay?"

He almost said _I'll beat the snot out of Malfoy for you_ , but restrained himself. Barely.

She looks at the paper curiously, and won't meet his eyes. She's embarrassed, he realizes, she said too much that night on the Astronomy tower, gave him too long a glimpse behind the wall, and regrets it now. He doesn't expect to receive a letter, even though she smiles sofly and says she will.

\------

  
(Okay, truth? I've had this story finished for ages. I just keep forgetting to upload it here. Um. Oops?)


	5. i am small, and needy

**( breathe me )**

part five:  
i am small, and needy

 

Halfway through August, she does.

_Can you meet me at Flourish and Blotts at nine o'clock tomorrow morning?  
-Andromeda_

He stares blankly at the scrap for a long moment, and then hastily scribbles a "Yes, of course" reply (whether he really can or not doesn't matter in the slightest - he'll be there), sends it with the waiting owl - she must have instructed it to wait for a response - and then wonders why she needs to meet him at Flourish and Blotts. He really doesn't care that much, because he's mostly totally giddy that she wants to meet him face-to-face, but it does make him wonder.

It also makes him feel like a complete idiot, to be this happy about talking to her. His mother has not missed this reaction and he knows she's noticed his rather subdued temperament. His mother is also a smart woman. That night, while he's sitting in the living room, reading, she comes and sits next to him, and, very politely, asks, "So, who is she and when are you seeing her?"

He's caught totally and painfully off-guard (he inhales nearly half a glass of water when she says this, because she has truly awful timing, or maybe she's just cruel and deliberately waited for him to take a drink before dropping this question into his lap.) Coughing, spluttering, he wipes the spit and water off his book and turns to her, "What?"

"Don't even try it, Theodore. I can read you like a book. There's a girl, isn't there? You've been down all summer, and then you get a letter and all of a sudden, you're happy. What did the letter say?"

"Nothing, it was... It was from Morgan, you've met him." His mother raises an eyebrow.

She sighs heavily, "Then I have no choice but to assume that this means I'll never have grandkids."

Ted stares at her. "Wha -?"

"Ted, you're clearly in love with _someone."_ She closes her eyes for a long moment. "If a letter from Morgan can make this much a change in your attitude..."

"What? Mum, no, I lied, it wasn't from - you knew this all along, didn't you?" She's wearing the most smug expression Ted thinks he's ever seen on his mother's face. "Fine, then. I'm a seventeen year old boy, and it's none of your business who I receive letters from."

With that, he turns back to his book, eerily realizing that he's doing almost the exact same thing Andromeda did to him in the Infirmary, only not as mean. His mother makes an indignant sound, "Well! I'm only being a nosy mother, like any mother ought to be. But if you insist, I could _let slip_ to your father that I got a letter from your school this past year. Something about getting drunk and running the nurse out?"

Ted's mother is nice, and while she sent him a very scolding letter, she didn't tell Ted's considerably stricter father.

"You would resort to blackmail?"

"Shamelessly. Who is she?"

Ted doesn't answer for a moment, trying to think if there's any excuse he can use to get out of this situation. All that comes out is a meek, "I'm not _in love_ with her."

Mother Smugness Meter: Unbearable.

"What's her name? Is she a witch? Oh, that's stupid, of course she's a witch. What does she look like? What is her family like? Have you even met her family? How old is she? How do you know her?" The barrage of questions come quick and unexpected and Ted backs up several inches without really meaning to. "Well? Answer me!"

"Um. Well, okay. Uh. Her name is Andromeda. Yes, she's a witch. She's pretty. Uh, what else did you ask?"

"Have you met her family?" He can't stop the dark look that crosses his face, and his mother notices. "What's wrong with her family?"

"Only everything," He replies before he can contain himself. "They're Pureblood and rich and think they own the world. They also don't approve of Muggles and have arranged a marriage between her and this absolutely awful guy she hates. Her parents don't care about her, just about what they can get from her."

"Hmm." Ted freezes suddenly understanding how Andromeda must have felt on the Astronomy tower. He's just divulged far too much information. If his mother thought he was somehow in love with Andy before - which he isn't, of course, but because she's his friend, he wants the best for her - she r _eally_ thinks so now.

"She's in my year," He continues reluctantly, "And I'm not in love with her. She's just a friend."

"Right."

Mother Smugness Meter: Megalomaniac.

"I'm serious."

Mother Smugness Meter: Ego In Low Earth Orbit.

"Honestly!"

Mother Smugness Meter: Sunnish.

Finally, he gives up and leaves the room before her ego implodes.

\--

Andromeda is waiting for him when he arrives the next morning, glaring behind him where his mother tagged along (until he finally forced her to leave him alone because he didn't know what Andy wanted to talk to him about and she probably wouldn't appreciate some freaky woman following him), and she'd made a point to inhale sharply when he pointed her out and say that her son had _excellent_ taste, she was absolutely beautiful.

Andromeda, at any rate, is standing, holding a small mug of coffee as if she can leech the warmth out of it. She's thinner than he remembers, and paler. He wants to help her somehow.

"How are you?" He asks jovially, and she tries to smile, but fails.

"I'm... Can we go somewhere else, actually? I had to say Flourish and Blotts so my parents would think I was picking up my books - which I actually have to do later - and wouldn't force someone to come with me. Narcissa told them all about how mean I was to her last year, and I don't think they want a repeat of that."

He knows she's nervous, because she's rambling. Andromeda _never_ rambles.

"Yeah, okay." The he looks around. "Yeah, this is gonna be a problem. Where do you want to go?"

She bites her lip. "The coffee shop? I don't know, it's someplace quiet. Not many people go there."

"Sure thing." And they take off for the coffee shop (for the record, in his fantasies, this is also a place where she confesses undying love). The shop is small and cozy and warm and she insists that he buy a drink ("So it doesn't look like we came in here for nothing," and he gets a truly awful Merlin Mocha, with funky whipped-cream stars that try to float up his nose), and then they sit on overstuffed couches and don't speak for a long moment.

"So," He says slowly, and doesn't continue, just raises an eyebrow. He can see it behind her eyes - she sent that letter on impulse and is now wondering if she did the right thing. Finally, she sighs.

"How's your coffee?"

"Trying to invade my sinuses. One thing I think the Muggle world does better." She smiles at this, and, feeling both bolder and absolutely terrified that she's going to be bored, begins babbling. (She should be used to this by now, he thinks.) "Do you think Merlin ever _drank_ coffee? As in, "No, King Arthur, I can't do magic this morning, I haven't had my java yet." You know, maybe that has something to do with the whole Morgan le Fay issue."

Andromeda laughs a little, and he feels giddy. "What, Merlin being a grouch or coffee in general?"

"Coffee. You think she'd have been so evil if she'd just had a huge, steaming cup of coffee every once in a while?"

"I don't know," she replies, giggling. Just a bit, but she's actually laughing at what he's saying. This is like being handed a key to the universe. He is soaking this up. But then her laughter falls short and she looks out the window. After a long moment - "I told Mother I didn't want to marry Lucius Malfoy."

"What did she say?" He asks, but already guesses the answer. She doesn't react for a time, watching people pass by the window. Ted watches her, sees the dusty blue in her eyes, the lonliness that struck him the first time he met her, the quiet desperation, the fear.

"She said..." Her voice is nearly silent now. "She said that I would do as she told me to, or I could see my own way out the door."

"She threatened to disown you?" He can't keep the malice out of his voice. Images of punching an old lady (who looks strikingly like Narcissa, the mean little bitch sister) fill his mind.

"That's the Black way of life." Andromeda replies, as though this is obvious, "It wouldn't be the first time they've turned someone out, and they've done it for worse reasons. In fact, there almost isn't a person in the family that hasn't disowned a daughter or brother."

"That's horrible," he hisses, "You don't throw away a child because they don't love who you want them to!"

Andromeda doesn't face him. There's a long pause. "You're awfully naive to the traditions of wizard families, then."

"Maybe it's better that way. I think a lot of those traditions are nonsense anyway."

"You sound like Sirius. He's forever talking about how wrong the whole lot of them are." She's still whispering, and when he looks closer, he can see the tears brimming her eyes, clinging to her lashes, threatening to fall.

"Andy?"

A long silence. It's like the sword of Damocles, nothing but a thin string between this and free-fall. Nothing but a thread between safety and -

"They are nonsense," she whispers.

"Yeah, they are."

There's a beat, and then she smiles at him again. "You know, I think Morgan le Fay would have been much nicer if she'd just had a cup of coffee every now and then."

He watches her carefully. The tears are shining in her eyes, but don't fall. "Probably. A lot of the world's problems could be solved with a nice cup o' joe." He doesn't think they're talking about coffee anymore, but lets the metaphor stand unchallenged. Like when he let her pass in the hallway after the letter and the line he wasn't supposed to see, he thinks it's better if he eases off and lets her keep her secrets close. Nicer, that way, even if it leaves him desperate to fix her, to somehow magic her back to happiness (was she ever happy?), or make everything right, or at least hit Lucius Malfoy, _something_. But as it is, he can do nothing to ease her pain.

His chest hurts. He ignores it and tries to drink his Merlin Mocha, but gets a whipped cream star planted firmly on his upper lip. She laughs outright at this.

"You look ridiculous, you know that?"

"I dunno, I think it makes me look rather... dashing, don't you think?" She shakes her head, laughing. He gets the feeling that she's only laughing so she doesn't scream, only laughing to better hide. He keeps going, to give her the opportunity to get her shield firmly in place before she has to face the rest of the world again.

By the time they leave the coffee shop, she's in much higher spirits and even gives him a bit of a hug before she leaves, saying she absolutely must buy her books. He can't help himself, and instead of letting her leave that easy, he drags her back and kisses her once, a quick peck, right on the lips. She smacks him lightly on the arm, but doesn't get angry. In fact, he thinks she might be blushing. Maybe.

He doesn't feel any lighter, even for all his laughter and jokes and flirting, but pretends, for her sake.


	6. warm me up, and

**( breathe me )**

part six:  
warm me up, and

Half of Diagon Alley saw the little kiss, including Tucker, who chases him down, stops him in front of Gringotts, arranges himself in front of him, and - literally - bows at his feet.

"You, Theodore Michael Tonks, are a _God._ I prostrate myself at your feet so that you may pass some of your glow onto this pathetic mortal. All hail Tonks! All hail Tonks!"

Ted laughs uproariously at this. It's not much of a secret that Tucker spent the entirety of their second year stalking Andromeda, trying to figure out every miniscule fact about her life, absolutely desperate to get her to say more than two words to him (and the day she had said those two words - "Excuse me" - was what he long considered the best day of his life. Ted called him a total idiot, but then, he'd never actually seen her. His friends were all hung up on her and he never got it until last year. Now he understands why they thought he was crazy for not thinking she was gorgeous.)

Tucker never actually managed to work up the courage to speak to her, though, and Ted thinks this is the one defining difference between them. Who knew? Maybe if Tucker had grown a pair, it would be Ted bowing to Tucker's feet.

(He's extremely glad for Tucker's panic around her, because Ted Tonks bows to _no one._ )

(Except Sirius and James Potter, that time they covered Horace Slughorn in whipped cream, and then stuck a little cherry on top. But they _earned_ that one.)

\--

Half of Diagon Alley saw the little kiss.

Including Lucius Malfoy's mother.

Andromeda doesn't send him anymore letters this summer.

\--

He goes back to school for his final year, and all of a sudden, Andromeda won't speak to him. It's not that she's back to being all frosty, it's just, she avoids him on the train and in the Entrance Hall. On the way out of the Great Hall after the Welcoming Feast, Ted catches Sirius's arm and drags him away from the group of Gryffindors.

Before Ted can even open his mouth to ask, Sirius answers, "Mrs. Malfoy saw. That's what happened, that's why she can't talk to you."

"Lucius's mother?"

Sirius nods. "She wasn't happy. Andromeda had to make up all this nonsense about you being a distant cousin and had too much to drink and all this. Aunt Druella made her, said they'd kick her out if she didn't save the Black Family Name," he all-but spits, "It's stupid. She didn't want to at first, said it wasn't anything serious and it wasn't like she'd ruined anything at all, but then Uncle Cygnus got involved and then it really hit the fan."

"It's not... I mean... I didn't -"

Sirius grins. " _I'm_ not blaming you. She was really happy when she came home, you know, said she felt better about everything and had actually had a really good day. That doesn't happen so often in our family." He looks both ways, and then leans in, motioning for Ted to come closer, then whispers, "I think you should make it a point to talk to her anyway."

"I don't want to make anymore trouble for her than I already have."

Sirius shrugs, "You can't make them like her, but you can make her laugh. If they don't like it, they can suck it up. Andy's not stupid, she knows what she's doing."

Ted watches the boy warily. "What do you get out of this?" Sirius looks away for a moment, reminding him forcefully of Andromeda. Is that a Black trait? To look somewhere else when they're uncomfortable, to put off addressing the problem until it's too late to fix it?

Finally, he replies, "Andy deserves better than that stupid Malfoy git. He's a jerk, and he won't treat her right, and..." He pauses, like he's about to say something he doesn't want to know, or isn't supposed to. "And Father says the only reason Mrs. Malfoy wants to marry Lucius to her is because Aunt Druella told her that Andromeda sleeps harder than Narcissa." It's like being punched in the gut. Sirius looks up at him, something cynical in his face. "I don't want Andy to end up like Aunt Druella, angry all the time and married to a guy everyone knows sleeps around on her. She should be happy. She likes you, you make her laugh."

"Right, well." He mutters, backing off. He had no idea what he was getting himself into when he watched Andromeda in that owl store last year. "Thanks."

"Yeah," Sirius mumbles, looking exactly like Andy does when she's said too much - a little wounded, a little scared.

(He thinks, then, that if anyone in the Black family ends up being disowned, it'll be Sirius. He's too rebellious, too wild, too passionate. If they don't accept Andromeda, they'll _never_ accept him.)

Ted stumbles to his dorm and slinks in, collapsing on the bed before any of his dormmates can stop him in the Common Room. When they come in, boisterous and loud and trying to wake him up and cheer him on (Tucker, apparently, has told them about the Diagon Alley scene), he pretends to be asleep.

Sometime around 1 AM, he decides to take Sirius's advice, and keep digging.  He can't simply leave her to be trapped in that sort of marriage, he can't leave her to that life. It's so stupid, he knows, and dangerous, probably. It's crazy and it's wrong but he can't get her out of his head, can't stop thinking about the way her eyes glistened with tears in that coffee shop with his stupid Merlin Mocha and the way she laughed and refused to be seen to cry over something like her family, and -

\--

Damn it all to hell, his mother was _right._

\--

He seeks her out in the Library one evening in October, finally managing to corner her at a table, studying. She jumps when he sits down, and then glances around, almost paranoid. "I'm not supposed to talk to you," she hisses, but doesn't look angry.

"What?" He says airily, feigning ignorance. "I was just hanging out in here, and I found myself wondering when I had last heard your lovely voice. I couldn't resist, sorry." He winks, and she spares him a glance.

"If I'm seen with you..."

"Lucius Malfoy will have nothing to do with you," he replies, unconcerned. "I fail to see the problem in this." He meets her eyes, challenging, as she tries to come up with a response. Finally, she tilts her head to the right, and smiles a little.

"You're completely impossible, you know that?"

"One of my more charming traits." He grins cheekily, and opens one of her books. He physically recoils. "Ancient Runes, I see." Slowly, as though getting rid of toxic waste, he closes the book and places it back into its pile. "The most densely impossible-to-understand class in all of Hogwarts, nay, the entirety of the Wizarding World."

She laughs. "Nonsense. It's simple, really..." She begins explaining it to him, and he tries very hard to make sense of it, but in the end -

"It's still a bunch of scratches on a piece of paper."

"Well," she sighs, exasperated, "So is English if you think about it. Imagine how some... Some, oh I don't know, Japanese person looks at English words!"

"Most Japanese people are bilingual and speak English." He has no idea if this is true. It flusters her, anyway, and he smirks as she splutters.

"Well, my point remains, I think!"

And then he kisses her.

Which is really a stupid idea, but he can't help himself, he's never been able to control his impulses, and she's probably used to this trait by now. And if she's not, well, it's her fault. It's short, not much longer than the now-somewhat-infamous Diagon Alley kiss, but it doesn't matter to him.

She watches him carefully for a moment, biting her lip. He knows what's coming if he stays (she'll run, he knows she will because she's trapped by her family and doesn't know what else to do) and so he stands, "Nice talking to you, Andy. Don't be a stranger."

Then he stands in a shadowy alcove outside the Library, waiting for her to leave, and when she does, he watches her until the shadows obscure her form completely.

\--

Narcissa confronts him two days later, venomous.

" _You_ ," She hisses, the instant she sees him in the hallway, on his way to lunch. She draws her wand and advances on him, backing him into the wall. "You filthy Mudblood. I will _not_ allow you to tear my family apart! If you so much as consider speaking to my sister ever again, I... I'll -"

"You'll what?" He responds with much more bravado than he feels. Her expression sharpens to something truly vindictive, something truly hateful.

(He doesn't fail to notice the way her eyes are brimming with tears. He just chooses not to think about it.)

"I'll contact Bellatrix," she replies, very quietly. Ted is confused. Who is Bellatrix? But Narcissa seems satisfied, and, with a swish of black cloak and blonde hair, she leaves. None of his friends understand the threat either, so he again hunts down his source for locked-up information, Sirius. When Ted asks him who Bellatrix is, Sirus goes a little paler.

"Bellatrix is the _other_ sister."

Here James, Sirius's other half, cuts in - "She's a Death Eater, and a bad one."

"She's the worst of them," Sirius says, "I don't know what went wrong with her, but she's half-crazy. Oh, Mum and Dad and Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus think she's wonderful, but..."

James shudders. "You don't want to get on her bad side."

Ted thinks his blood is going to freeze. Narcissa is willing to get him killed to salvage her family? Is she really that evil? She may be unkind and even downright cruel sometimes, but would she really stoop to having him murdered?

That night, he doesn't sleep.

The next morning, Andromeda finds him. "Be careful," she says. "Watch your back."

"Would your sister really kill me?"

Andromeda sighs and looks away. "Narcissa? I don't know. She's unpredictable when she doesn't get what she wants. I've tried to make her see reason, but she refuses. I think she cares more about me causing a rift in the family than what actually causes the rift. She doesn't... She doesn't like change very much."

"What about the other one?"

She doesn't answer immediately. "It's hard to tell. Bella never liked Narcissa much. Thought she whined too often and was a bore. But... You're Muggle-born. I think that's enough in her book."

"...Don't take this the wrong way, but you're related to some real nutjobs, you know that?" She looks like she wants to smile, but doesn't.

"They're dangerous, Ted. You can't underestimate them."

"I'm not scared of them." He replies defiantly, lying. Andromeda watches him carefully for a moment.

"You should be."

"Well, I'm not." He replies bluntly. "The worst they can do is kill me, right?" Andy shakes her head slowly.

"That's what everyone thinks. Ted, I'm serious. It's not..." She hesitates, and continues much quieter, "It's not worth dying for, okay?"

He looks away, out a window. He can see the Owlery from here, and there's one bird, a small tawny, taking off out the window, stretching its wings, flying away. He watches the bird until it disappears completely, taking his time, trying not to look at Andy. She's scared, that's obvious. She doesn't want to tear her own family apart, but she also doesn't want to fall in line with them, and she can't have it both ways. He wishes he could say he identifies with her, but he doesn't. He has no idea what's going through her head, except that she doesn't think his stupid school-boy crush is worth risking his life for.

She sighs, and turns away. "It's been... nice. I... I hope you excel at whatever you wish to do with your life. May you always be happy."

She's halfway down the corridor when he says, slowly, deliberately. "Why don't you think it's worth dying for?" She stops, and looks back at him like he's half-mad, and maybe he is, but he can't let her walk away like this, not when there's so much left to say, not when there's so little left for her in that direction. "Look, Andy," He looks her straight in the eye, "I've been a good boy for most of my life. I know you don't believe me, but my parents are awfully proud of me, even though my dad wanted me to be a carpenter like him. I think I would have gotten myself killed, though."

She tries to laugh, but fails. He continues. "I've never done anything really idiotic and I've never gotten on the wrong side of anyone really dangerous and I've never broken my parents' hearts and I've never really meant anything I've ever said to anyone, not from stupid jokes to flirting to declarations of love."

"But I am now, all right? I'm going to do the absolute stupidest thing I can possibly do, and I'm going to piss off the most dangerous people in the world, and I'm probably going to crush my family later, but I don't care at all. I'm through bothering with that."

In two strides, he closes the distance between them and kisses her. She doesn't push him away.


	7. breathe me

**( breathe me )**

part seven:   
breathe me

Nothing comes of Narcissa's threat - perhaps Andromeda did convince her that Ted wasn't a threat, or either tricked her or blackmailed her into leaving him alone - but it doesn't stop Ted from feeling a little hunted through most of his seventh year. It's not irrational - he is, after all, Muggle-born, and the rumors of war are escalating faster than even Dumbledore can control. The Slytherins mostly leave him alone, surprisingly, considering the way they treat everyone else.

Then it occurs to him that Andromeda has probably used her influence among her house to help him. It's a little strange to think about her going out of her way to keep him safe, and slightly emasculating, not that he would ever admit that.

Wesley, another Muggle-born, has much more difficulty, and it's all Morgan and Tucker can do to protect him (Lucas is a half-blood, and so isn't in much of a position to help. Morgan and Tucker aren't really Pureblood, but they're big and scary enough to shut up whoever bothers them.) Wesley hates having to rely on their wands and brute force, but there's nothing else for it. Ted also notices that little Sirius is catching hell among the school himself, caught between the Gryffindors he's chosen and the Slytherins he can't escape.

Ted doesn't envy Sirius, or the position he's trapped in. His housemates mistrust him for his family, while his family mistrusts him for his ousemates. At least if Ted is ostracized, it's because of something he's done himself, or something he's long since gotten used to.

As the school year progresses, Andromeda becomes more and more worried about her upcoming wedding. Her mother sends her letters daily, explaining yet another detail or tradition she must not forget to fulfill, another law she must adhere to. Occasionally, Lucius sends her letters, but they're short and stagnant and she laughs gleefully when he sets fire to one on the Astronomy tower the night before Christmas holidays.

(Secretly, he thinks that she won't marry Lucius Malfoy at all. He can't imagine a world where she does.)

They both tend to skirt around the topic of the future, neither entirely sure what's going to happen. He's decided that he's going to pursue a career in Healing, even though his Potions score are beyond abysmal; he thinks his Charms work will more than make up for it. There's a hospital in Edinburgh he's been looking at, and has already made plans to visit over the holidays, a smaller institution than St. Mungo's, but it's not in London, and somehow that makes it seem a little safer.

What worries him is that she's staying in London almost for certain. He asks her, as the last cinders of Lucius Malfoy's letter die out, what she wants to do after school. She sobers, and sighs a bit.

"I don't know. It's against the laws of tradition for a Black woman to work, but I can't see myself pouring tea for annoying old ladies who hate me for the rest of my life." She looks up, and bites her lip. "Maybe I'll take a job at a school for young children. I've always liked children."

Something in her tone says she doesn't believe it will ever happen. He's overcome, once again, with the desire to hit one of her parents. Or Malfoy. Either one.

"What about you?" She asks suddenly. "What are you going to do?"

"I hope to become a Healer," He doesn't mention where, "if I can convince them that T really means, oh, I dunno, Terrific or something like that. I don't think Potions are that important anyway. As long as I know what not to give someone, it's okay, right?"

Andromeda shrugs. "You could work in a ward that doesn't require it. I'm sure some don't. You'll work at St. Mungo's, then?"

He hesitates. "Yeah, maybe."

She doesn't respond, but leans against him, eyes closed. Idly, he wraps his arms around her and looks up. It's a clear night, and all the stars are beautiful and sparkling and it's so pretty, and -

And it's so short, he knows, because this can't last, no matter how tight he holds on.

\--

They take their NEWTs, and, halfway through the Charms written test, it occurs to Ted that his time at Hogwarts is really almost over, he's really about to graduate and leave here forever. He'll probably lose contact with his friends, make new ones in Edinburgh (which turned out to be a very good hospital that is perfectly willing to let him work in the Emergency/Trauma Wing, where there's little time for potions and spell work is crucial), and probably never speak to Andromeda again.

He finishes his test - which is easy, really, because it's Charms and Charms is painfully simple - much slower than he should. It's funny, he thinks, that the things he never could have imagined himself doing, he's fallen to accepting without question, but the things he always assumed he'd be able to handle...

He's having the hardest time dealing with. It's become routine to haunt Wesley's steps and keep his hand on his wand, to check the Daily Prophet for familiar names, but the thought of visiting London in ten years and meeting Andromeda Malfoy is enough to make him feel sick. He can see the scenario perfectly - he returns, calls on her as any old friend, and they sit and chat and she's back to being her frosty, hidden self, and then some little snotty blond kid comes into the room, and she tells him all about her son or daughter.

It burns somewhere in the back of his throat, the idea of Lucius Malfoy domineering over her. It's inevitable, he thinks, but that doesn't make it any less repulsive.

They sit on the edge of the lake, where there's a little drop before the water, not really speaking, watching clouds. He tells her on impulse that his dad used to always come up with ridiculous shapes in the clouds.

"Like what?" She asks, and he starts pointing out a mule in a very round, very non-mulish cloud. She looks thoughtfully at it for a moment, and then says, "You know, I think I see it. If you tilt your head just right and squint a bit."

"Pop's a carpenter. He's always tilting his head and squinting. I guess it makes a lot of sense now."

She rolls her eyes and pushes him, a little harder than she intended, and he careens into the lake. "I love you too, Andy," He says when he comes up again to see her laughing at him, "Give me a hand." She reaches out, and he takes her hand, grins at her, and then pulls as hard as he can.

She lets out a cry and then she's fallen in with him. "Hey! I was trying to help you!"

"Never trust someone you've just pushed into a lake. This water's _cold_."

"Serves you right!" She stumbles out of the water, sodden robe clinging to her skin, and shudders on the bank. He simply treads water and grins at her while she tries to dry herself off using a complicated charm.

"There are towels for that, you know. And once you get used to the clawing, frigid, icy cold, it's not so bad."

"Oh, get out of there, before you catch your death."

"Wow, I would make an awful healer if I die from a stupid cold in the middle of June." She simply glares, and, smirking, he drags himself out of the water and flops on the bank.

It's warm and lovely and in one month, she'll be married to Lucius Malfoy. She doesn't wear the ring he gave her, an overpriced, over-sized diamond that looks completely ridiculous.

(He's biased. It's really a beautiful, dainty silver ring, prettier and more expensive than anything he could ever hope to give her.)

\--

Three days after term ends, he sends her a letter to meet him at King's Cross at ten o'clock.

He's more nervous than he ever thought he'd be, but there's no changing his mind now, and there's no sense in being cautious. When she arrives, she's rushed and harried and immediately asks him what could be so important (her mother only let her go to London when she insisted she'd forgotten to buy a certain type of hairpin). For a moment, his throat is stuck and he can't speak through the lump.

"I'm leaving," he finally chokes. "For Edinburgh. There's a hospital there, a really good one, that's already offered me a job. I won't come back."

She freezes. For a long moment, she doesn't say anything at all, and then she whispers, "You're leaving? For good?"

He takes a deep breath. "Yeah, for good. I can't stay here. I've always hated London, and it's the center of all this Death Eater business. It's not safe here."

"It's no safer in Edinburgh!"

"But it is quieter." He watches her carefully. She looks shocked, and maybe teary? He can't tell. For all he's learned about her emotions, she's still an excellent actress.

"But..." She says slowly, "But you can't leave. You... You have to come to the wedding and mess up the cake or something stupid like that because you hate Malfoy, and that's the only thing I've been looking forward to because I know you'll do something completely insane and stupid and you're the only person I can trust to actually follow through with it." She falls quiet for a moment, and then continues, much lower, "I need you there to make me laugh that day."

He turns to the train for a moment, and then back to her. "What if you didn't?" She stares at him, and shakes her head. "I'm serious. What if, instead of buying a stupid hairpin to make your mother happy and marrying some awful jerk for no good reason, you got on that train with me and _we_ went to Edinburgh?"

"I can't do that."

"Says who?" He reaches out a hand. "I won't make you pour tea for stuffy old ladies and you can have whatever flowers you want and you can work with the little kids at that hospital. They've got a great Children's Ward, and they're always looking for workers and volunteers. Here," He takes her hand and forces her to accept what he's holding, "I've got an extra ticket. You can come with me." Andromeda doesn't answer, but stares blindly at the ticket. "Andy? The train leaves in ten minutes. I can't wait forever."

"Ted, I..."

If he's perfectly honest with himself, he expected this reaction, even though he prayed for something different.

"I... I don't know, Ted, I can't just leave my family behind like that!"

"Andromeda, isn't it obvious?" He's almost shouting now, half-scared and a little more hurt than he wants to admit. "They don't give a damn about you. They want what they can get out of you, not what's best for _you_. I can't promise you eternal happiness, Andy, but at least I can try!"

She tries to look affronted, but they both know what he's said is true. "Ted... I can't."

(The thread is cut, the sword falls, pierces straight through at the weakest point - the heart. He didn't expect this to hurt so bad.)

He takes a deep breath and doesn't answer for a moment. "Right. Well, then." He puts his hand down and turns to face the train again. "I hope you're happy with Lucius Malfoy."

"Ted - "

"I have to go, Andy. The train's leaving."

"Don't - "

He walks away, throat burning, trying to control the tears threatening to fall. She doesn't call after him.

\--

He sits in the compartment just after the train has begun moving, head in his hands, _willing_ himself not to cry. It's just a stupid school-boy crush on a girl who was out of his league, after all. It's just that he fooled himself for too long and now he's had to face the facts. It's just -

The door opens and Andromeda's standing there, flushed and angry and crying. He stands, surprised and elated at the same time.

"You're completely impossible, you know that?"

In three steps, he reaches her and pulls her into his arms. Her fingers cling to his shirt tightly, and he thinks that he's never going to let her go, never in a thousand years.


End file.
